the slow dance of the infinite stars.

I asked my friend Michael how I could go about getting involved in the fifth monday play readings, he said that gai had asked him and asked if I wanted to direct or act.

I said I’d do anything ( and I will: I’ll get water, I’ll stage manage, I’ll act, I’ll stand on my head and do backflips) 

and he said that he would need people for his show.

so that dear tumblr is how you do it.

ask for what you want.

go after it.

find a way.

because there is one.

so I decided to grab an application to join student government.

I was sitting in the quad and there were people all around me, people in groups, people alone, people playing guitars, people laughing, so many of them that my head was nearly done in. I’m horrible with crowds ( horrible with people) but sitting there, watching that, made me want to be a part of it, I want to at least try to be more outgoing this year. I want to at least try to be happy.

at work:

make a kid believe that you’re psychic by telling him his favorite color, dinosaur, and animal. make him believe even more by saying goodbye to him when he leaves by using his name.

make everyone in your line laugh and smile because the kid really did believe that you were psychic.

get called cute for smiling and asking someone to take a survey.

after work:

drive on the shoulder of the freeway because its 11 pm and they’ve started construction.

wish that you had a camera and could get out and stand in the middle of it all because its so  beautiful to look at: bright lights and machines and men in hardhats and vests, holes two feet deep and men lowering themselves into it.

life is like a dance.

everything is beautiful.

people just don’t pay enough attention.

” I don’t know how she does it, she can get like three interviews in a week, she’s just so good at finding jobs but then she gets bored or tired of them and…..” 

* I’m not good at finding jobs.

** I really do get bored easily.

*** I should just start my own business ( because nothing I do satisfies me: corporate environments are too boring, retail involves too many people and the managers don’t really care about the sales associates, the food industry is cool but you can’t really go anywhere: waitress, hostess, busser, manager, cook maybe but that’s about it, nonprofits are awesome but a lot of them tend to take the volunteer work before they schedule paid employees ( which they totally should, I’m just making a point), I’m crap at trying to get people to buy things they don’t want/need, I’m crap at sitting still for long periods of time, the only things I really like doing are making art and music, working with animals, or making coffee….. I think I’m probably destined to be a wandering mistral or some sort of circus performer.)

no I really shouldn’t have.

because it would have been stupid.

I feel weird enough as it is, I didn’t want to stand there and make small talk.

I’ve been acting like an idiot, and liking someone who is in love with someone else or someone who could never like you back is the equivalent to banging your head against a wall, you can keep doing it over and over but the wall isn’t going to budge so its best just to stop, turn around, and look for a new path, one without a wall. I’m tired of causing myself more pain than necessary, I have enough issues without worrying about a boy, wondering if he likes me or what something he says means, I don’t have the time or the energy for the games and I give up. I’m finding a different path. 

I sat down in my photography class today and the beautiful British boy set his stuff down next to me. We talked a bit, I think that it may be easier to make friends than I thought, you really just have to be open and willing to let people in… or, in my case, to have actual conversations with people instead of burying your head in a book and trying to be invisible.

I kinda like lady gaga on the vma’s.

actually, I love it.