the slow dance of the infinite stars.

fair warning: if you try to take something of mine tonight I WILL HURT YOU.

alright? do we understand each other? good deal.

have a great night, be safe, and stay the hell away from me.

screw staying home.

screw feeling sorry for myself.

screw being a victim.

I need to go out.

I need to put on a dress, wear my butt kicking boots, grab my camera and go on an adventure.

I need to man up.

kick off 2011 with a bang?

why the hell not.

last night could have been worse.

I could have been attacked or killed or kidnapped or raped: my purse was stolen. my purse only had THINGS in it. THINGS can be replaced. PEOPLE can’t. I’m alive. I’m thankful.

I have friends and family that care about me and would do anything for me. Friends that tuck me in when I stay the night at their house and throw blankets over me when I fall asleep, friends that listen to me cry when a boy breaks my heart or I get something taken from me, family members that take me to theme parks to cheer me up and wake up at 6 in the morning to drive me to work when my car breaks down. I am thankful.

I am somewhat healthy: I can run and jump and laugh and sing. I can dance and yell and cry and read and smell and taste and I am one of those people that gets affected my everything. I am a feeler. I am overly emotional and entirely insecure but I am thankful to be alive.

I am thankful.

things could have been worse.

they can only get better.

I’ve had almost four hours to think about you.

four hours of worrying and pacing.

four hours of crying and thinking and texting and calling.

four hours of wondering who you are and why you would take something that doesn’t belong to you.

four hours is a long time to spend thinking about someone you don’t even know.

four hours is 1/6 of my day.

four hours is a lot of time….

at first I was angry at you, and then I was afraid, and then I was numb.

my stomach is still twisting itself into knots and my head is still pounding and the image that has been staring back at me from the mirror is still glassy eyed and distorted, more so than usual, but I want you to know that even though you have hurt me, even though you have violated me, even though you have turned everything black and dingy and darkened my view on humanity I need you to know that I forgive you.

I forgive you because you must be in a very bad place if you felt the need to steal.

I forgive you because only someone who had no other options would do something like that.

I forgive you because you must need that 200 dollars, and that gift card to a coffee shop and that insurance card with my name on it, and that social security card with my identification number on it. you must need those things more than I need them.

I forgive you because I don’t want to hate you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I forgive you.

I hope that you get what you wanted from the little red purse.

I hope that in the end it was worth it.

and I hope that you make it through whatever hardship it is that you’re going through.

Sincerely,

 Me.

my purse was stolen while I was standing in line at the store.

the manager on duty made me feel like I was going insane by telling me that no one was by my cart in the video.

the manager on duty refused to let us see the video.

the police never showed up.

I have been crying.

you aren’t supposed to carry social security cards around with you. I didn’t know that. now I do.

this is also why you don’t carry 200 dollars worth of christmas money around.

someone has violated me in the most horrific way possible and I feel like I am going to be sick.

hauntme:

I want to feel like I’m doing something, like I’m achieving something constantly and consistently. I want to wake up and have something more to do than senseless obligatory work. I don’t want to conform. I don’t want to live in the same place everyday with mindless repeated actions and daily rituals that lead me no where. I need movement and change in order to think and to prevent me from thinking.

literarycollective:

For all these years I thought that having a reason for my sadness would somehow make it better, that having someone or something to blame would alleviate some of the pain. But now I think I’ve realized that it doesn’t make a difference or it might even make it worse, and I don’t know why that is.

Assigning blame doesn’t help at all, because sad is sad is sad

when your friends tuck you in at night, wrapping blankets around you and turning off lamps in their living room so that you can go to sleep ( yes, I have awesome friends.)

when you talk about how much you like sparkly objects and bubbles and a boy smiles at you and says that you are adorable ( yes, I am getting to know some very wonderful people.)

when a kitty jumps on the couch at 6 am in the morning to snuggle next to your side.

when you get home from work and realise that you have a three day weekend.

your car breaks down and they offer to wake up at 6 in the morning to drive you half an hour to carpool with friends to work.

the carpool friends offer to let you stay the night at their house so that you don’t have to worry about missing work.

god I am incredibly lucky and blessed. the fact that I have to work tomorrow when I would rather be getting my car fixed and explaining things to the mechanic myself really grinds my gears but the fact that I have such loving people in my life makes up for it. 

thank you for stressing me out even more at 9 pm.

thank you for sending me a text asking if there was any way I could get a family member to drive me to camarillo or oxnard at 6 in the morning to carpool to work when I have to take my car at 9 in the morning to get looked at and explain what has been happening with it.

thank you for making me feel like I am going to lose my job because my car is acting up.

thank you for praising my work and then saying that you feel like we are ” falling further behind” because I missed one day last week and you let the temp go on vacation. he is a temp. I am a full time employee. he took a vacation. I did not. this was not a choice. this was not my fault.

thank you for making me feel like I am a bad employee.

really and truly, this was exactly what I needed.

sincerely,

me.

boy told me that he and his girlfriend got into an argument last night and that it was essentially my fault. he said his girlfriend is jealous of me but I shouldn’t beat myself up over it…. yeah, I’ve already beaten myself bloody because of it ( i.e. emotionally tore myself apart).

I was so stressed out that I drank alcohol… I don’t drink. ever. so after about four sips I was kneeling next to a toilet singing a lovely little song. alcohol does not agree with me.

my car broke down at guitar center in oxnard after I took my friend talesha her coffee. I sat there for a good 20 minutes with my friend sara trying to get it to start and nothing doing. so I won’t be going to work tomorrow, I’ll be looking for a mechanic.

today could have been better.

then again, it could have been worse.

lets try to find something positive in all this shall we?